I have a confession to make

(but it's not possible)

You know, the hard thing is, I never chose you. I never even wanted to get closer to you. When I met you, it was already determined that we were to be friends; and our mindless chit-chats were a proof of how much we mingled already. But back then I could hardly see you — and to be honest I couldn't care less. Those were years when I was happy to know my best friend's thought's before he said anything. Do you remember that? No, wait — you weren't there. You couldn't be.

I remember once I dreamt I was a bit older and could therefore be in your class. But that dream didn't bother me. Back then, dreaming about you was not something I could worry about. I hadn't yet discovered the most complicates and yet the most simple things in this our world: love, lust, trust, betryal, all that jazz. There was pain before, but pain was different. Pain was not something I'd like to feel. And it hurt so much...
But then we chatted, we ran, we danced, we played, and thrice I heard those words that still eventually haunt me — though the last time was just a dream. And I made you so many promisses in the end no one knows if they meant anything.

But then I denied this love, I said — let's pretend it's only lust — and perhaps it wasn't just pretending; one day grew apart, and one day we spoke again, and the friendship didn't last, you know? And one day you made me depend on you and now I just live without you: When I hear your voice denying everything I believe, boy, I wanna hurt you so bad, I want you to disappear, but then I just wanna hold you, and I hate you, but perhaps, I think, I love you. And you're such a fool, you're everything I'd never want for me, but still, I think, I love you.


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Não, olha: eu nunca vou te entender. Nunca.